You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
