I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
