i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize