Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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