Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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