i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
