sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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