hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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