i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
