I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
