I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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