apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
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