I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
