Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
