weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Even my vagina gasped.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
This is the high leading the old right now
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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