All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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