ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We have so much sex to catch up on
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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