Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
