Need sex. Gaining weight.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
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