sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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