I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
