im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
