Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize