I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i've created a new STD.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
