I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
