I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
