i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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