mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
