jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
