R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
