My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
