I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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