i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
