I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
