I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
