It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
