What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
