He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
