Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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