I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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