Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
