alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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