No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
