i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
