Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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