Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
