Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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