i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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