I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
