Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
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