you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
