i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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