Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
