I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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