Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
