gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
