My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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