Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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