hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
