I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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