omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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