Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize