she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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