what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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