So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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