It was confusing and full of hummus
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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