I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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