It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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