I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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