tequila makes me forget i have legs
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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