take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
