my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize