i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
